I’m a failure

I am a failure. 

You will never read this, but i must write it anyway

I ran away from you because you were dying and I didn’t want to share that burden. I ran away from you because for some reason you refused to see me despite our professions of love. But mostly, it was because I was afraid I would not be able to handle the emotional strain of losing a loved one.

And now you are dying, and I wonder if it would have made a difference had I been there. I know that i don’t even have to ask forgiveness from you because it’s already been granted, because that’s the kind of person you are. But I’ll ask your forgiveness anyway, because I am ashamed of my weakness and I crave absolution.

I hope there are banana pancakes in heaven, and that you think of me once in a while in a fond, forgetful way.

Redemption, broken people, and art that won’t sell

It’s curious how a lot of the stuff I’ve been watching recently (Half Nelson, The Squid and the Whale) deals with just how fucked up people are and how hard they struggle to get some normalcy back into their lives.  While i don’t think I’ve ever gone down those roads before I can appreciate the struggle of trying to right a life that seems like it’s gone terribly awry.  Life just never turns out how you think it will sometimes, and you have to learn to play with the hand that you’re dealt, even if that hand is a pair of deuces.

I’ve finished my painting, and when I finally upload the pics I’ll document the process I used to make it.  I have mixed feelings about my work.  I’m not terribly impressed with myself, but there is a sense of accomplishment, since I devoted myself to days working on this painting, and I learned a lot of things along the way, like how windy days can rally suck.  I’m thinking about what to do with the other 4×4 plyboard I have lying around, either a painting of Milla jovovich or more street art inspired stuff opposing police brutality. I’m thinking the Jovovich painting would be much more marketable…but since no one’s gonna buy any of my paintings anyway, what’s the point?  Police Brutality it is.

Quick Updates and a look at things to come

So.

My Holy Weekend project was to have an art sabbatical where i would devote all my energies to finishing one ginormous painting.  By ginormous I mean a 4×4 plyboard, which is not SO ginormous, but WAY bigger than anything I’ve done before.  Which isn’t a lot. So there. Anyway.  I have completed maybe half the painting so far, and a lot of time was spent with a process called acrylic transfer which I have yet to master but am slowly, ever so slowly learning to perfect (yeah, right).

Along the way, I managed to help my dad write copy for this new business he’s planning (hint: it involves water, straight from the tap), gotten through I think a third of Devil May Cry, a game that has belittled me and made me lay down my pride (I opted to play on easy automatic mode because the first few stages were SO hard but now I’m so not challenged anymore), and gone around UP with my 3/4 Chinese nigga Miriam J. Sy (gooks represent! What!) taking snapshots of street art in UP.

Now i must go back to cutting up stencils, which I left because my fingers were starting to get numb.